Lion Cubs
I used to watch nervously when dad would throw one of our toddlers high into the air or dangle one of them upside down by his feet.
I didn’t grow up around boys. My sister and I didn’t play rough-and-tumble. My boys on the other hand love to chase each other around the couch, jump across beds, and wrestle on the floor. Watching little boys play is much like watching lion cubs on the discovery channel. They constantly compare their strength and other physical skills.
Boys are evolutionary programmed for hunting and war. That explains why nerf guns are very popular in my house. There is nothing more thrilling for boys than to hunt and shoot each other. Just watch small groups of boys playing laser tag. Boys just gravitate towards games that allow agency.
Sometimes it is hard for me to distinguish between horseplay and fighting. It wouldn’t be the first time I stepped in to break off a fight which turned out to be pretend.
At this point I stopped interfering altogether. I realized that rough play serves an important function, especially for boys. Apparently, that’s how they explore and express their physicality, emotions, and social dynamics.
I learned to embrace their wild energy. The little one loves to wrestle on the bed where I can throw him into a pile of pillows over and over and over again. The older one loves to race me on land or in the pool.
Boys seem to be wired to seek physical challenges and exertion. I can tell when play turns into sincere effort and they try to wrestle me down with all their might. Their faces get serious and they use all their strength. Sometimes I let them win, sometimes I don’t, just like in real life. It’s better for them to learn how far they can go at home, than to be surprised in the school yard.
I am convinced that play fighting helps boys learn that strength is not synonymous with aggression and dominance but can be tempered with empathy and restraint. I want my boys to be able to hold their own in a fight, but I also want them to learn when it is smarter to walk away.
-Nicole
Figure It Out or Kill Each Other
Being one of two girls, you might not expect much roughhousing. However, my sister, Layla, and I could probably be the exception to that rule. We completely whaled on each other. She’s 5 ½ years older than me, so for much of my childhood, she was bigger than me. When we would wrestle, she would win. Every. Time. Once I reached my final years of junior high, I was almost the same size as her and able to hold my own a little more - and a bit feistier - the heart of an underdog. Still lost a lot though.
While I had some roughhousing experience, it doesn’t really compare to the childhood of my husband and his younger brother. Oh, the stories they can tell. I feel like I’m really in for it as my two boys grow up together.
As for right now, every night, after my husband gets home and I finish bathtime with the boys, we play “chase” around our large, rectangular dining room table. If either boy gets caught by me or my husband (mostly, my husband), he’s immediately thrown over a shoulder and transported to the couch where he is then “gently tossed” and tickled. We repeat this process for about 15-20 minutes every night. It’s how we show them lots of attention, allow them to get wild, scream, and have fun, and work out that last bit of energy before bedtime.
Do they get injured? On occasion, yes. Sometimes one of the boys takes things a little too far or Wren (the little one) falls because he gets tired of running and forgets to pick up his tiny feet - and let’s face it, he’s ready to be caught. He also clips the edge of the table, but he’s learning rather quickly - which I feel is all part of roughhousing…learning those boundaries. Last week, he received his first black eye from the dining room table. We’re all known to stub a toe (I did this last night), hit our shin on the coffee table, or accidentally ram our shoulder into the wall, right? I’m also spectacularly clumsy, so these boys probably got that from me.
I am a little nervous about when the boys get older and wrestle with each other…or fight. Is there any physical preparation moms need to do as we enter that era? Excuse me while I google that… ((take a pause and refill your coffee))
Ok, here’s what I found:
After reading this, I recall my husband saying that his parents let him and his brother duke it out. Initially, that sounds crazy to me - but once I gave it more thought and read this article, it makes complete sense. Figuring out how to resolve conflict with people is valuable. What better person to learn with than your brother and default best friend. It sounds like I have some supervised brawls in my future. Do you think they will let me announce them like UFC’s Bruce Buffer?
xo, Abrie
Did you roughhouse with your sibling or a friend? Or fight? How did your parents handle it? How do you resolve fights between your kids? Let us know in the comments!