Mommin’ Aint Easy
As a teenager growing up in the 2000s, I constantly received the message that women could have it all. We could have amazing careers and thriving families. I bought into this message wholeheartedly. Especially since my mom modeled that lifestyle for as long as I can remember. She maintained a full-time job, often working on Saturdays as well.
I love to work. Let me rephrase that. I love having a purpose. I love the routine of getting up in the morning and knowing where to go for the next eight hours. I love being part of a team that truly needs me and appreciates my contributions. I love what I do and I feel accomplished at the end of each day. I’m lucky enough to have found a profession that suits my personality and skills. Moreover, I found a workplace where all employees work in harmony towards the same goal. The icing on the cake though is that all employees are female and all but one are mothers. Everyone is understanding and supportive if one employee has to tend to a sick child or leave work for a school function. We all know that the children take priority.
I love being a mom, though I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I understand that some women disappear once they have children. They put their own lives on hold and devote their entire being to the role of mom. That’s not for me. My life does not revolve around my kids. My kids are part of my life, not the center. While their wellbeing and needs always take priority, their wants and demands do not.
Nonetheless, I would have preferred to have had more time to bond with my newborn babies before having to go back to work. I think it is fair to say that women should be able to stay home with their newborns while they are still breastfeeding; so at least six to eighteen months, depending on the circumstances. I did not have that luxury. Instead, I had to pump milk at work in order to provide my newborns with the benefit of breast milk. I had to drop my babies off at a daycare facility where a stranger got to feed them and bond with them. I still get angry thinking about it.
It’s common knowledge that the United States lacks considerably behind European countries when it comes to the treatment of mothers in the workplace. In Europe, minimum maternity leave guidelines are often regulated by law and funded by the government. Mothers do not have to worry about how to make ends meet while caring for their newborns. In Austria, for example, new moms get a minimum of 16 weeks of 100% pay, followed by an optional 44 additional weeks at 73 % pay. In other countries, maternity leave can be taken several weeks before the mother’s due date.
In the United States, mothers are “protected” by the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). This law requires employers to provide at least 12 weeks of unpaid family leave time after the birth of a child. How generous! That’s not very helpful if you cannot cover your household expenses without your monthly paycheck. It’s even worse for single-parent households or households where the woman is the sole provider as it was in my case.
If I would have stayed in Germany, I would have been legally entitled to at least six weeks paid leave before and eight weeks paid leave after childbirth. The German government requires that mothers receive their full-rate salary or wage throughout the duration of their maternity leave. In addition, you are allowed to take up to 24 months of additional maternity leave, while still receiving a percentage of your former income. In a nutshell, a new parent is eligible for parental allowance (Elterngeld) for a minimum of two months and a maximum of 24 months. New parents receive between 300 and 1,800 Euros per month.
Apart from the financial benefits, I am glad I am not a mother in Germany. Japan, Italy, and Germany put mothers on a pedestal. In these countries the women are still expected to be the primary caregivers for the children and to sacrifice everything else for the sake of motherhood. Here in the United States, I can work full-time guilt free, and still be considered a good mom.
All I know is that I am a lot happier when I get to follow my own interests and seek fulfillment outside of motherhood. My other pursuits do not prevent me from being a good mother. My children learn that work can be fulfilling and that it is important to follow your own interests.
-Nicole
Working or Not
I got my first official job when I turned 16, right after I got my driver’s license. From that point on, I worked consistently - maybe only having a couple of weeks off when I was in transition from one job to the next - and even working two full-time jobs when I was on summer break during college (working from 5am - 1pm at Starbucks and then 4pm-12am at a wine bar is a young person’s game, by the way).
It wasn’t until I turned 34 and 8 months after Julian was born that my husband and I opted for me to stay home. Turns out, working full-time, owning a business and raising a newborn is quite the undertaking - and if I maintained the first two, I wouldn’t get to see much of my newborn or my husband.
While I largely consider myself a “stay-at-home-mom” (SAHM), I still help run the back end of our small, family business and I coach clients privately while my 2-year-old son, Wren, is in a young learners program for 3 hours per day during the week and Julian is in kindergarten.
While some might say that I’m not a SAHM since I still earn an income, some may also say I am because I’m with at least one child all but for 3 hours, 5 days a week. It honestly feels like both apply to me.
Before I stopped working my regular 9-5, I had ideas of what I thought being a SAHM would be like. And they were incorrect. I thought it would somehow be easier. However, when you’ve grown accustomed to working in an office everyday - it feels sort of…weird. As if there’s an urge to do…more. And for me, I really missed interacting with adults daily. I, personally, also have this strong desire to achieve, contribute and be productive everyday. I struggled a lot with that in the beginning - and still do - which is why I continue to work in limited capacity. And I have to be careful to keep it limited which means saying “no” to some things and setting boundaries. Being a SAHM is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
It’s not that I wouldn’t still contribute and achieve if I didn’t work - it would simply be in a different way. For me, my house would be much cleaner, I’d probably get more creative with meals, and who knows - maybe homeschool these boys, learn how to garden and tend to our mini-homestead. It’s all still work - not lounging around in my pajamas, drinking coffee and reading books in complete silence. Not at all. These kids eat 73 snacks a day. I’m a short order cook for the cutest little dudes on the planet.
For now, I simply enjoy interacting with my two small boys as much as I can. Getting them ready, driving them to school while Julian controls our morning music selection, popping in for school events, picking them up and helping Julian with homework and piano, making dinners and taking evening strolls that may or may not involve stick sword fights. Right now, the balance is working and the days are long, but the years are short or whatever that saying is. I’m doing my best to soak it in, working or not.
-Abrie
What’s your experience with working moms? Were you a working mom or stay-at-home mom? Were you raised by a working mom or SAHM? How do you feel it impacts motherhood and raising kiddos?